What a difference a day makes...

I haven't blogged in awhile because it's been hard for me since Josh left. Too hard and too emotional for internet blog postings. I've been doing the old-fashioned kind of journaling.

So far, Summer 2008 has proven to be the following: lonely, fun, hard, exciting, intense, growth-inducing, spiritually enlightening, and emotional.

I could unpack that all for you, but it would take until Winter 2009, at least. To make a long story short, it has been difficult to be "alone" in Asheville, to not be able to talk to Joshua except for one 20-minute phone call every two weeks, to learn to rely on the Lord to meet my needs, and to make life-changing decisions by myself.

Technically, I'm not alone. There are people at work, people at church, neighbors (one even knocked on my door last night because he noticed there was a guitar in my window and invited me to come jam at apartment F whenever I feel like it), people in general. But it's more of an emotional aloneness. I'm not so great at that.

Not talking to Joshua was extremely hard at first, but I'm used to it now. It's not so bad. When I wish I could talk to him, I pray for him. I've prayed more for him this month than I have in the entire span of our relationship, and I've realized how important it is.

Relying on the Lord to meet all my needs has been interesting. I've realized that a) He wants to, and b) I say I want Him to, but I don't always mean it. There is still a well of unbelief in me that makes me doubt that what He will provide will meet my standards. Interesting realization.

Making major life decisions on my own has also been an interesting facet of this summer. I turned in my resignation to my boss today. July 30 will by my last day at the college, 30 days from today. On August 2 I will pick Joshua up at the Atlanta airport, and the following week we will pack up our things into a U-Haul and move to Florida.

I'm becoming a writer. A real one.

It's interesting where a month can take you.

I will be writing for the JESUS Film Project at Campus Crusade for Christ headquarters in Orlando. Job description is basically this: talk to missionaries on the field who are showing the film, find out what's going on, write about it. Very, very cool.

So I've got one more month in Asheville. It is ridiculous on some accounts-- I've been here for a grand total of seven months now. And at eight months I'll be moving back from where I came from, the city I swore off and turned my back on. I hope she'll still have me.

I don't know what kind of journey I'm on... a very nomadic one, apparently. I could fall flat on my face moving back to Orlando. Joshua could come home and decide he's not going with me (although he's all for the move, so that's a stretch). I could realize that I've made a terrible mistake. I could run out of money, or not raise the support, or something tragic could happen and totally rearrange my life. Or... this could be the beginning of a writing career. This could be the job I've been waiting for. I could realize that I took a risk and it paid off. This could be the best decision I've ever made. We'll just have to wait and see. Whatever the result, the Lord's way prevails. It's good to rest in that.

I don't know how many more blogs you'll get this summer, between my whacked out emotions and visitors in town and packing an apartment and wrapping up a job. But I haven't forgotten you all, don't worry. And I'll be back again after my world rights itself a bit.

Ciao, bella.

Interesting

Tonight, in a fit of desperately missing Joshua, I re-read some of our old emails from when we first started dating, long-distance. I wrote this to him almost exactly a year and a half ago:

I want to get married to someone who I love and who shares my heart. I want someone to do life with!

I want a family with a whole lot of kids.

I want to make a home, not an apartment with two roommates.

I want to see the world.

I want to hear people's stories.

I want to form relationships with people and impact them for Christ.

I want to help people who are in need. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

I want to have the knowledge when I wake up in the morning that I am living the life I want. A life of discipleship and hard-core following God. A life of making a difference in other people's lives for the Kingdom of God.

I want to be nomadic.

I want to be exciting!

I want OUT of 8-5 America.

I want OUT of retirement plans and golf course subdivisions.

I want adventure.

I want to serve.

I want these desires to be godly, and not fleshly and self-ambitious.

I want to know what on earth I can do to live out these dreams.

I want to know why God has planted these dreams in my heart if they are not going to come to fruition.

I want to be surrendered to Him no matter what.

I want to KNOW God. So, so desperately.


It's funny, because all of those things are still true. Except now I feel a little bit closer to them being reality.

Guess that's what's the journey is about...