Choices

Vicki on Biggest Loser is one of the most sinister people I have ever seen on a reality television show. It is seriously creepy.

Today was a hard day for me. I struggled a lot this morning, and I am coming to realize that this season in my life is difficult in a different way than I expected it to be. For instance, I expected that being financially poor would be very difficult on me emotionally. Surprisingly, this has been one of the least difficult areas for me to surrender and come to terms with. Today at staff we had to answer the question "what was the last thing you bought for yourself?" and I honestly could not remember. Other than eating out, I haven't bought any material item for myself in months. Finally I remembered that the last thing I bought was in July when I got a dress to wear when I picked up Joshua in Atlanta when he got back from India at the end of the summer. July. Seriously? Really, I haven't even missed the spending (although, as you can tell by my October 15 post, I do have days when I get the "I wants" and I get huffy over not having any cash flow). The main thing I'm jonesin' for these days is a good haircut, and I know the salon I want to go to and I'm just waiting for the money to come in. See? I'm waiting for the money to come in. My entire attitude has changed in these past three months. I have come to the wonderful revelation that it is all God's money and when He sees fit for me to have $35.00 for a haircut, it will somehow arrive in my wallet. In the meantime, I remind Him every so often that I really would like one. You would be amazed at how God honors such honest conversation, especially when I am willing to accept that I must wait.

Emotionally difficult, however, is navigating the waters of vulnerability and interpersonal relations. I find myself in a new circle of people, and we are starting to connect in friendship and partnership in the Gospel. Part of my personality type is that I am very guarded with my heart of hearts; very choosy about who I expose it to. Mary reminded me tonight that Jesus is the one who guards my mind and heart. I pointed out that He sometimes allows things to hurt it.

Yes, He does. And I think I have realized one of His reasons for that. In the past year I've spent in Asheville, I've noticed a method of Jesus. He exposes one wound at a time in my heart, and if I will let Him, He heals it. The healing method is painful and goes something like this: First, the wound is exposed and the scab is ripped off. Our immediate reaction is to recoil and try to conceal that wound and stuff it back down into oblivion. But if we are obedient and faithful to His pursual, He essentially pours rubbing alcohol (truth) all over it and it hurts like crazy. I mean, gut-wrenching, sobbing pain. But then the wound stops festering, and then it begins to heal. And then you look at yourself, at others, at life, and at God in a whole new way. The right way. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.

Basically, I have to choose. Choose vulnerability, choose opening myself up to the people around me, and yes, even to pain. But once I am healed I can stop looking at myself, trying to guard my heart and my wounds all the time, and I can begin to look outward. Out to what God is doing in the world around me. And if I'm lucky, He'll let me be a part of it.