It's not polite to ignore a request

My beloved Heather Heather "officially" requested a blog update about and I quote:

-something pensive

-something funny
-something listing
-something just letting the blogging world know you are still alive

So here it is.

Well, I'm not very good at funny. I don't think I've even had a really good embarrassing moment lately, except when I went about guessing the ages of my female co-workers and was wrong... totally, totally wrong. And not in the good, I guessed you're younger than you really are sort of way. So, blogging world, I am still alive! Alive and kicking, actually. Right now my life consists of a new job at the local hospital, helping my dear friend Grammy Doris connect with the online world as she fundraises for her ministry (teaching a 70-something year old woman to use Facebook is precious and priceless! I've got to get some of this on film), getting my tail whipped at CrossFit Asheville, and prioritizing time with my husband who is into his first year of nursing school and pretty much on an opposite schedule from me. Life is busy and having a full-time job again I am settling into "normal." For some reason, a few years ago the idea of a normal life was like the black plague to me. I think it's because I have a tendency to base my sense of worth on what I do. I am just now starting to realize that radical, warrior, brave, and otherworldly are matters of the heart, and from the heart flow actions that shape a life. 

A song that I have been meditating on lately is called Slow Your Breath Down by Future of Forestry. It kind of sums up where I've been and what God has been speaking to me. 

I find myself an interesting paradox these days... still full of the same conviction, fire, and passion that I've always embodied, but tempered by pain, heartache, and the realization that life and God do not fit into the nice little box tied with a bow that I had made up so nicely. I find myself a little less quick to speak, a little less quick to decide, and a little more aware that people are not always as they seem.

The best weekend I've had in a long time was last weekend. I went on a canopy zipline tour through the Nantahala Gap on the very westernmost edge of North Carolina with good friends and family. After a long (and early day) of adventuring, I returned home to make spanakopita with my family in a kitchen that isn't my own but I feel welcome in because I am part of a community. Sitting around the table with hands messy with olive oil talking about dreams and God and memories, laughing and teasing and loving... this was a good day.

In list fashion, to close this out... some random tidbits for your reading enjoyment...

1 - CrossFit. You will be hearing about this. It is intense and about elite athleticism. I have been doing a six-week course called OnRamp that teaches the basic foundations of Olympic lifting so that I can join a regular class. I feel like I'm going to die after most sessions. But I am realizing more and more that it is a discipline of the mind. Success or defeat is decided in the mind. 

2 - Paleo/primal/clean lifestyle. It goes hand-in-hand with CF training. Basically lean meats, lots of veggies, some fruit, some seeds and nuts and oils made from them, no grains, no legumes, no dairy, no sugar at all. It's a choice I'm going to have to make... I can feel it in my body. My body wants to perform but I'm feeding it crappy fuel and it's killing me for it. More discipline, my favorite. Working on it.

3 - The Closer. Can I tell you how much I LOVE Kyra Sedgwick. "Thank yooouuuu!" 

4 - The soundtrack from How to Train Your Dragon. How to Train Your Dragon for that matter. Super cute movie. Soundtrack that I play on repeat constantly. 

5 - Photography. I can't really explain this, except it is a creative outlet for me, and it is a creativity that I am coaxing back to life slowly after a long period of dormancy. I hope that it will be thriving again one day. 

6 - 3-day Walk. I am set on joining the Girlapalooza Team headed up by my friend Kak and walking the 2011 3-day in D.C. I will be hitting you up for donations, be prepared. 

7 - Loving my new job. God is good to me. 

8 - Still living lean, but we have what we need. Today I went to the eye doctor and I had insurance. It's been a long time since I have been able to say that.

9 - I will be back driving the Biltmore buses again soon for Candlelight evenings at Biltmore Estate... and hopefully driving some sweet cars for valet, too. 

10 - "Slow your breath down, just take it slow. Find your heart now... you can trust and love again." 

the beginning

Okay, so this is where it begins.

I have just hung up the phone after ordering a large half cheese, half pepperoni and mushroom pizza from Papa John's. My husband will be picking this up on his way home from class, and we will sit down together and probably end up watching Biggest Loser.

Window into the life of Joshua and I:

Me - full-time job, part-time photographer

Joshua - full-time student

Busy begins to describe life for us.

At this point in time, mid-twenties, we are both starting to come into our own. For me, that means questioning my habits and starting to make some changes. Mindfulness. Awareness. Not just blind consumption and routine anymore.

I am 25, short, and a size 8. Two years ago I was a size 4. The beginning of this process began with looking at myself in the mirror, and taking a moment to stop and realize how I felt in my own body. I stopped liking what I saw... and I stopped liking how I felt. Sizes may or may not matter to you. To me, there is something nice about saying I wear a small size, I'll admit to that vanity. But the journey I'm about to go on is more than just the size of my pants. It's about health, and about quality of life. It's about living up to genetic potential, and living up to my own desires for myself. I am not a slave to food, habits, or lies.

Where this is going first for me is diet. I have just started going to CrossFit Asheville, where I am working on strength. But those grueling CrossFit WODs (work-out of the day) aren't going to change my body if I don't have a proper foundation in place... and as much as I am loathe to admit it, the foundation is what I am putting into my mouth.

As you can tell from my opening line, I am not a health nut. In practice. There is a growing file of knowledge accumulating in my brain about nutrition, and the American food industry, and our bodies' design. It is just starting to trickle down that place-- you know, the place that makes you change.

The first step for me is going to be sugar. Which is problematic because I love Coke. Love, love, love Coke. The carbonation. The flavor. Its perfect accompaniment to all things salty, especially pizza. I know that I have to cut sugar. I know it. But I fear doing it because I also know that my cravings are going to be horrendous. Like an addict going through withdrawals.

Because I am an addict.

This is the hardest part of the process of transformation. Confrontation with the truth. About self, about life, about things that are ugly or things that hurt. It means pain. And everyone hates pain.

But through pain lies a transformed life. This is such a deep truth.

For now, I am going to enjoy my pizza (and Coke, I ordered a 20 oz. and didn't tell you) and watch Jillian kick the living daylights out of the contestants on Biggest Loser.

I'll let you know when I get the courage to kick the habit. It's got to be soon. I will probably post on the diabolical traits sugar so that I can give my self a little jump-start. Here we go.

process:transformation

proc'ess (pros'es) n. 1, course; progress; lapse (of time). 2, a series of changes leading to some result.

transˑform' v.t. change in form, appearance, or condition.

This is a blog about my own process of transformation-- and it's online because it is my hope that someone, somewhere will be able to benefit from my own journey.

Primarily, at the beginning, this might be a reflection of a physical journey. Food, movement, life... this is where it begins. I gather it will take me somewhere far beyond that.

Hope you'll enjoy the ride with me as I question, try new things, and change.