I am tired of the see-saw, to be honest. It’s odd—in some respects I know who I want to be. Healthy. Vibrant. Joyful. Rooted in God. Persistent. Loving. Intentional. Hard-working. Well-read. Politically and historically literate. Kind.
On most days, however, my typical self shines through: selfish, lazy, lethargic, unhealthy, emotional roller coaster.
Oh, the glories of the 20-somethings.
I don’t know when I’ll get there. There is a distinct possibility that it won’t all click into place until I hit 40. That seems to be the magical number for women, or so I hear.
In the meantime I will show myself a little grace. Be kind to myself. Remember to think of myself as my Creator thinks of me. Self-love, Megan, self-love.
Only one more day until the weekend hits. I’m so ready for it—even though it includes washing dishes and doing laundry. But at least I love the feel of hot water running over my hands. And my laundry detergent smells like apple blossoms. And I can open up our patio doors and let sunlight stream into the kitchen and cool breezes might sneak in and ruffle my hair a bit. And if I’m really lucky, there might even be a thunderstorm.
Things to look forward to this weekend: sleeping in, catching up on National Geographic.
1 comment:
SERMON ALERT!!
Megan, Megan, Megan--you had to know I couldn't keep silent on this one. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know it's entirely possible that the place you're at right now is *exactly* where you're supposed to be at this moment in your life.
Everyone has those rollercoaster days. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a normal person. Sobbing hysterically into a pillow is not bad--unless you do it every day.
This just in--40 isn't the magic number. You might not ever be fully "self-evolved." The whole point is to keep evolving, keep learning, keep discovering who you are and who you are being called to be.
BUT... do not forget that the person you are--with all your lethargy and selfishness and humanness--is just fine. You are trying to live up to some standard of "worthiness" set by humans and as a result, creating a barrier.
Based on a recent sermond I heard:
For Jesus, words like “unworthy” simply do not apply when it comes to God’s presence. We are fortunate that God does not share our sense of propriety and moral correctness. God does not know where he’s not supposed to go. God is present in our homes – and in our abortion clinics. God is present in our schools – and in our porno shops. God is present in Washington – and in Teheran, present in Rome – and in Mecca. Jesus’ God is present when you're sweating in Nicaragua and when you're twirling about in a party dress. God really couldn’t care less about our barrier-rules human impose on themselves and on the world. So break through all those barriers you may be setting up to God’s presence by worrying that you are somehow not good enough or not doing enough.
So enjoy the ride and stop worrying. It's not like you're in some crack house making bad decisions. You're doing just fine. Let yourself enjoy where you are and know that each day, every day, regardless of anything, you are loved beyond measure.
Even on the pillow-sobbing, lay-in-bed-and-watch-bad-TV, see-saw-emotions, bad-hair, junk-food-eating, self-indulgent, crabby-just-because-it-feels good days.
End of sermon.
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