Treacherous Tuesday

treach' er·ous (trech' ә-rәs) adj. deceptive; unreliable.

e·mo'tion (i-mō' shәn) n. a state of mind in which feeling, sentiment, or attitude is predominant (over cognition and volition).

Treacherous Tuesday. A day in which Megan is experiencing a deceptive and unreliable state of mind in which feeling, sentiment, and attitude are predominant over rational thought and willpower.

I think that the fact that I realize this is a point in my favor. There are a couple things that I know to do in order to shift the balance from feelings to fact:

1) Speak the truth.
2) Give thanks.
3) Focus on someone other than myself.

The truth is that feelings do not operate the train that is my life-- faith and facts do. Facts such as...

I am an eternal being and this life is not my own.
Feelings, while sometimes pleasant, often lie.
God is so much better than I can infinitely imagine.
He knows my heart and loves me. He has wonderful, adventurous plans for me.
Even when my feelings tell me otherwise, it is possible to experience complete satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ alone.

I am still reading Crazy Love and in it there is this quote from the book God is the Gospel that says, "The critical question for our generation-- and for every generation-- is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

When I read that it was just like a knife in the chest. Because I am guilty; because it is quite possible that I would be okay with that. The realization that I don't love God as I ought was like ice water in my face. I've been struggling since I read that, because self-condemnation is something that comes easy to me... but now I am starting to look at myself truthfully and see the hope that is there. It is true that I do not love God as I ought. But that is like a half-truth if I leave it there, because just to say that completely ignores the desire to love God more that he himself has placed in my heart. And he who began a good work in me will bring it to completion, amen! So my prayer today is, "Help! The pitiful amount of love and desire I have for you leaves me ashamed... The truth is that I love me. Change my heart." And I have hope, because he will. Is that not good news? O, praise him!

I am thankful for God's unending faithfulness... so thankful that his desire and love for me is beyond my comprehension. Thankful that he hears my prayer and that he will give me a heart that loves him with a crazy love. I am thankful for friendships and companionship on the journey and women (like Brittney and Mary) who are willing to listen and love. I am thankful that I don't have to have everything figured out; that life can be an adventure; that I can live for something more than money, power, or myself. I am thankful for freshly sharpened pencils and new journals full of blank pages yet to be filled. I am thankful for tastebuds and the ability to smell... glorious smells like freshly baked bread, or brewing coffee, or the sky just before it rains, or the scent of Joshua's skin mixed with the smell of his soap. I am thankful for all kinds of weather... sunshine and rainstorms and snow that falls softly and silently. I am thankful for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

And now, to focus on Someone other than myself. Abiding. Loving. Desiring.

Bring it on.

Until Wonderful Wednesday, everyone. Here is one of my new favorite music videos to leave you with...