I'm a sucker for quality tats. Not that I can claim that either of mine are quality. My first one was inked at 2:00 a.m. on a crazy night, by a guy named Troy who was on some sort of illegal substance. My second was drawn with a Sharpie before the guy took the needle to it for ten minutes and then I walked out the door. Really can't say much for quality.
But tonight got me thinking about tats again. I really don't think about them much these days, because I'm more all-natural. Seriously, Asheville is getting to me.
But there is something that I need to remember and that is There is now no condemnation.
Condemnation.
Shame.
Judgment.
Any of those sound familiar to any of ya'll? Well that's what I've pretty much been walking in for, umm, most of my life.
Jesus said something really interesting once. He said, "love your neighbor as yourself." As in, you'll love your neighbor like you love yourself. As in, Megan judges herself constantly, guess what she does to her neighbor?
Honestly I'm tired of it. I'm tired of judging people, and I'm tired of running from pain, and I'm tired of condemning myself because oh, how very shocking! I'm not perfect. You know what the opposite of all that is? It's called grace. Grace means not getting what you deserve to get. Grace means not being condemned even though I've done stuff to deserve condemnation. Grace means that I have been given value and worth.
So forget shame. I've had enough of you. I know all about you, and how you make me feel. I know how you wait for me to hang my head and give into despair. Enough already!
It is for freedom that I have been set free.
Does everybody hear that?
FREEDOM. Freeeeeeeedommmmmm! I'm yelling it William Wallace style.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Has the girl got spelunk?
My friend Heather paid me a visit this weekend, so Josh and I decided to take her spelunking. Yep, caving. WNC has amazing hiking trails and rock faces for climbing, and lots of caves that are mostly unknown and hard to find. We heard about this cave through someone at Josh's work, so yesterday Josh, his sister Michelle, Heather and I drove out toward Chimney Rock and followed this hand-drawn map to a rutted clay road that led up the mountain a half-mile to a trail head. Armed with cameras, a first aid kit (I told you I like to be prepared), three flashlights and one headlamp, we started up the mountain.
Right after we started we ran into some hippies who were also climbing up the trail, complete with a zampoña and a jaw harp which they were pretty good at. We said hello, and told them we were trying to find a cave someone had told us about, have they ever been there? The hippie with the zampoña replied with obviously feigned ignorance, "Cave? What are you talking about? There aren't any caves in these mountains" and shortly went back to playing his panpipe.
They paused half-way to strip off some of their clothing and we surged ahead, only to have us ladies get winded a quarter-mile up the trail and stop for some water. The hippies passed us and we saw them climb up the mountain on the trail leading left-- and then they disappeared.
I suggested we try going the way that I saw the hippies climb around some boulders, but when we got ourselves up there, there was nothing to be found. No cave entrances and the trail that continued to the left ended up taking us in the wrong direction, or so two climbers told us when we ran into them and asked.
We doubled back around, climbing up crevices that were too small for my hips to pass through the proper way, and still nothing. Not wanting to climb back down to the main trail the way that we had gotten up, we decided to cut through some boulders that had created sort of a tent against the mountains-- cool, secluded, but sadly not a cave.
Heather was the first to go through that way. "What is that smell?" she said. "I know that smell. Rosemary? No, that wouldn't be growing here on the side of a mountain." She disappeared into the crack in the boulders. "I know what it is!" her voice echoed out. "Marijuana!"
I believe our hippie friends made a pit stop on their way to the cave.
Meanwhile, another hippie couple had started up the mountain and I was trailing the guy's flannel shirt through the trees. Then, they too disappeared.
We trekked around the mountain for three hours, climbing up and down boulders, finding cracks in the rock face blowing out freezing cold air, but no main entrance to the cavern.
We left without ever finding it. It didn't really matter, because we had completely tuckered ourselves out searching and had a blast doing it. Especially me coming up with hippie conspiracy theories all the while.
This was my first real experience with hippies since moving to Asheville. It's a big movement in these parts. Thing that I learned: hippies are all natural. Dreads, body odor, the works.
I think I could be a hippie except for the B.O. part. No thank you.
Plans to find the cave in the near-future.
Right after we started we ran into some hippies who were also climbing up the trail, complete with a zampoña and a jaw harp which they were pretty good at. We said hello, and told them we were trying to find a cave someone had told us about, have they ever been there? The hippie with the zampoña replied with obviously feigned ignorance, "Cave? What are you talking about? There aren't any caves in these mountains" and shortly went back to playing his panpipe.
They paused half-way to strip off some of their clothing and we surged ahead, only to have us ladies get winded a quarter-mile up the trail and stop for some water. The hippies passed us and we saw them climb up the mountain on the trail leading left-- and then they disappeared.
I suggested we try going the way that I saw the hippies climb around some boulders, but when we got ourselves up there, there was nothing to be found. No cave entrances and the trail that continued to the left ended up taking us in the wrong direction, or so two climbers told us when we ran into them and asked.
We doubled back around, climbing up crevices that were too small for my hips to pass through the proper way, and still nothing. Not wanting to climb back down to the main trail the way that we had gotten up, we decided to cut through some boulders that had created sort of a tent against the mountains-- cool, secluded, but sadly not a cave.
Heather was the first to go through that way. "What is that smell?" she said. "I know that smell. Rosemary? No, that wouldn't be growing here on the side of a mountain." She disappeared into the crack in the boulders. "I know what it is!" her voice echoed out. "Marijuana!"
I believe our hippie friends made a pit stop on their way to the cave.
Meanwhile, another hippie couple had started up the mountain and I was trailing the guy's flannel shirt through the trees. Then, they too disappeared.
We trekked around the mountain for three hours, climbing up and down boulders, finding cracks in the rock face blowing out freezing cold air, but no main entrance to the cavern.
We left without ever finding it. It didn't really matter, because we had completely tuckered ourselves out searching and had a blast doing it. Especially me coming up with hippie conspiracy theories all the while.
This was my first real experience with hippies since moving to Asheville. It's a big movement in these parts. Thing that I learned: hippies are all natural. Dreads, body odor, the works.
I think I could be a hippie except for the B.O. part. No thank you.
Plans to find the cave in the near-future.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
#31-40
31- Somewhere along the way, I stopped being ashamed of liking what I like. Yes, I love Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and I own Season 1 on DVD. Yes, I like to eat ketchup on my garlic alfredo noodles. Yes, I like new age “earth sounds” music and some Kenny G and lots of country. And yes, I love cheesy chick flicks and “inspirational romance novels.”
32- I love working in academia even though I’m not an academician. Those are both real words, by the way. Josh told me that “academician” sounds like some sort of alien life form. Which makes me laugh, because sometimes I think they might be. But really—I am like a little sponge on my campus, and if I hang around these people for longer than ten minutes I never fail to learn something new, whether it be a new word for my voracious vocabulary or psychological theory.
33- I love, love, love! having the perfect word. Articulation is a fine art.
34- I am interested in way too many things to ever become an expert on anything, I think. Except maybe intercultural communication. I can see myself becoming an expert on that. My boss wants me to go to graduate school. So did my old boss. So do my grandparents. But what about meeeee?
35- Despite my greatest attempts, I never drink enough water and always eat too much chocolate. (We have an M&M dispenser in my office that makes everyone on campus happy. When I came here I was told that my utmost duty is to make sure that it remains stocked. It is sorely overused, and sometimes the button you push to make the M&Ms come out doesn’t work and you have to shake it a little. Yesterday the button didn’t work. I was trying to be quiet… everyone else was being quiet. I gave it a little shake. Pushed the button. Nothing. A little bit bigger shake. Nothing. Finally, growing tired of making quiet rattles that were surely driving everyone crazy when they all knew by now that I wanted some M&Ms, I picked up the machine and started shaking it like crazy. The only thing is I didn’t put my hand over the lid. It flew off on the third shake and about 50 M&Ms went flying across the office, which drew a gasp and an “Oh no!” from me, and a sudden appearance from my boss, who declared she rather liked the color on the dull carpet anyway.)
36- I went to the Alamo when I was little with my parents, but the only thing I remember is being scared of lizards when my dad made me pose on top of a big boulder and wanting to go back and swim at the hotel pool. Oh, the attention span of babes.
37- When I was 14 I started dying my hair and kind of got into a habit. Blond, auburn, bold white and fire-engine red chunks, and finally in the summer of 2006, jet black. After that I decided to go au natural for awhile and also I made a bet with a friend that resulted in me agreeing not to cut my hair until May 2008. I now have the longest, naturally beautiful brown hair ever.
38- I get giddy when I have a fresh journal/legal pad/notebook/post-it pad.
39- I love wearing skirts but hate shaving my legs. I think I have shaved my legs two times since I’ve moved to
40- I’m not really into stuffed animals and teddy bears, but when someone I love buys one for me, it becomes my most precious possession. Hence the bear my dad bought me from EPCOT, the frog that says “kiss me, I’m your prince charming” from Josh and the huge Nemo that my dad got me for Christmas one year always adorning my bed and serving as snuggling companions.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Funkadelic smells
My apartment has been smelling funkadelic for the past few days. Last night I thought I eradicated the guilty party when I washed the stockpile of dirty dishes in the sink (by hand, mind you... no dishwasher in this abode) but now the smell seems to be following me around. I sure hope that doesn't mean that it's... me. (Quick armpit sniff.) I seem to smell pretty fresh. Do you think it's possible for smells to really get stuck in your nose?
At this very moment in fact is the lunar eclipse. Me and my roommie and our next door neighbor were sitting outside for a few minutes. It's a beautifully clear night here in the mountains and the moon was half-bathed in orange-brown shadows. I desperately wanted a telescope. And a winter coat. Being a Florida transplant hasn't been bad so far, but winter coats are expensive, especially if you try to buy one during winter, so I'm trying to stick it out until the spring clearance sales. But my puny tropical clothing collection is not faring well. I noticed yesterday that one of my (few) sweaters is becoming officially threadbare. Anyways, I left the other two outside a moment ago with their poptarts and milk and ran back inside to snuggle under my covers here and blog about.
Have you ever noticed how we spend most of our lives avoiding pain? The interesting thing is that God does not mind pain. Excruciating pain is in the center of his most beautiful, redemptive work. (This thought credited to my dad.)
I talked with Mary this week about a certain pain-- wound, if you will-- that automatically forces me into emotional shutdown. It's eerie how easy it has become to close myself off from it. The challenge is to feel my way through it the next time I face it. I told Mary that I didn't have any particular reason to want to do that, because I felt like it is just feeling pain for pain's sake. But then she pointed out that God says otherwise. He says after the pain and mourning comes joy. The key is not shutting down, though, and instead feeling my way completely through it.
I thought this was an interesting topic since the verse the Lord had given me that day was from Psalm 126:
At this very moment in fact is the lunar eclipse. Me and my roommie and our next door neighbor were sitting outside for a few minutes. It's a beautifully clear night here in the mountains and the moon was half-bathed in orange-brown shadows. I desperately wanted a telescope. And a winter coat. Being a Florida transplant hasn't been bad so far, but winter coats are expensive, especially if you try to buy one during winter, so I'm trying to stick it out until the spring clearance sales. But my puny tropical clothing collection is not faring well. I noticed yesterday that one of my (few) sweaters is becoming officially threadbare. Anyways, I left the other two outside a moment ago with their poptarts and milk and ran back inside to snuggle under my covers here and blog about.
Have you ever noticed how we spend most of our lives avoiding pain? The interesting thing is that God does not mind pain. Excruciating pain is in the center of his most beautiful, redemptive work. (This thought credited to my dad.)
I talked with Mary this week about a certain pain-- wound, if you will-- that automatically forces me into emotional shutdown. It's eerie how easy it has become to close myself off from it. The challenge is to feel my way through it the next time I face it. I told Mary that I didn't have any particular reason to want to do that, because I felt like it is just feeling pain for pain's sake. But then she pointed out that God says otherwise. He says after the pain and mourning comes joy. The key is not shutting down, though, and instead feeling my way completely through it.
I thought this was an interesting topic since the verse the Lord had given me that day was from Psalm 126:
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.
Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
-- Maya Angelou
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
-- Maya Angelou
Monday, February 18, 2008
Speed blogging
I have a very short amount of time before I have to leave to go talk with Mary, which is already uncomfortable and I'm not even sitting across from her yet. I know the subject matter tonight, and it's not something I'm looking forward to, yet in a strange sense I am. I think that means I'm doing the right thing.
So since I am limited on time, this is me speed blogging. Completely stream-of-consciousness, beginning with Britney. One of my quirks is a slight fascination with celebrity lives and America's Next Top Model. I really wish that more than cycle one was available on DVD. You will notice that ElyseSewell is a blog on my "Required Reading" list-- yes, that would be Elyse Sewell, finalist of cycle one. I found her blog. Is that pathetic? I think not. But back to Britney. My former roommate K-Smeltz and I have often talked of a need to drive out to Hollywood and just demand to be her friend. We are both convinced that what she needs right now is a really good friend who will love her no matter what. I wonder a lot where she will be in ten years... I can only imagine the E! True Hollywood Story and what she will have to say about this tumultuous period in her life.
Being a celebrity. When I was younger I wanted to be famous, but the older I get I'm kind of more convinced that it's not all it's cracked up to be. People can't take being worshiped for very long-- it's too much for a human to bear, you know?
Last night Joshua and I watched Born Into Brothels and Motherland Afghanistan. Both of us were left unsettled. Maybe it was the realization that we live in a luxurious bubble and it's sad.
I am a vegetarian, but currently not a very good one. I'm thinking of instituting a Raw Rule-- only raw foods before dinner, or something. I need more fresh fruits and veggies in my diet. I've developed a really bad habit of eating Ruffles and ranch dip for dinner. Is that symptomatic of something?
Have I mentioned that I seem to have an addictive personality? In 2007 I gave up all soda, and now that 2008 has arrived, I quickly slipped back into Coca Cola's toxic hold. I am going to have to go cold turkey again, I know it. No balance.
What's the most balanced thing in your life?
It's certainly not my diet. I can't really think of much about me that is balanced at the moment. I seem to be very extreme-oriented. Something else to put on the list.
I want to hear from you folks out there who read my blog. If you have a gmail account, or a blog on blogspot, you can easily leave a comment, but I've also enabled anonymous commenting. And I believe if you are a LJ user, you can leave a comment with your LJ identity.
So tell me what's good-- what we've got in common. It's feeling a little lonely in here.
I better go. Stream of Conscious dammed.
So since I am limited on time, this is me speed blogging. Completely stream-of-consciousness, beginning with Britney. One of my quirks is a slight fascination with celebrity lives and America's Next Top Model. I really wish that more than cycle one was available on DVD. You will notice that ElyseSewell is a blog on my "Required Reading" list-- yes, that would be Elyse Sewell, finalist of cycle one. I found her blog. Is that pathetic? I think not. But back to Britney. My former roommate K-Smeltz and I have often talked of a need to drive out to Hollywood and just demand to be her friend. We are both convinced that what she needs right now is a really good friend who will love her no matter what. I wonder a lot where she will be in ten years... I can only imagine the E! True Hollywood Story and what she will have to say about this tumultuous period in her life.
Being a celebrity. When I was younger I wanted to be famous, but the older I get I'm kind of more convinced that it's not all it's cracked up to be. People can't take being worshiped for very long-- it's too much for a human to bear, you know?
Last night Joshua and I watched Born Into Brothels and Motherland Afghanistan. Both of us were left unsettled. Maybe it was the realization that we live in a luxurious bubble and it's sad.
I am a vegetarian, but currently not a very good one. I'm thinking of instituting a Raw Rule-- only raw foods before dinner, or something. I need more fresh fruits and veggies in my diet. I've developed a really bad habit of eating Ruffles and ranch dip for dinner. Is that symptomatic of something?
Have I mentioned that I seem to have an addictive personality? In 2007 I gave up all soda, and now that 2008 has arrived, I quickly slipped back into Coca Cola's toxic hold. I am going to have to go cold turkey again, I know it. No balance.
What's the most balanced thing in your life?
It's certainly not my diet. I can't really think of much about me that is balanced at the moment. I seem to be very extreme-oriented. Something else to put on the list.
I want to hear from you folks out there who read my blog. If you have a gmail account, or a blog on blogspot, you can easily leave a comment, but I've also enabled anonymous commenting. And I believe if you are a LJ user, you can leave a comment with your LJ identity.
So tell me what's good-- what we've got in common. It's feeling a little lonely in here.
I better go. Stream of Conscious dammed.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
India
Joshua has applied to spend two months in New Delhi this summer working in an orphanage and in the city slums and leper colonies. (By the way, did you know that leprosy is now 100% curable? The WHO has a cocktail that clears it right up. Fun fact for the day.)
I will miss him a lot while he's away, but after spending a month in Nicaragua I could never not want him to have a similar experience. It completely changed my worldview. I think everyone should have an experience like it, especially when you are still single. I have a feeling Joshua and I will tie the knot one day-- and then we'll have many years to trek across the globe together. But there are some things you just have to do on your own. I hope that his application is accepted and that he gets to go. I just told him not to fall in love with a beautiful Indian girl.
I had no idea what to expect when I went to Nicaragua; when we arrived in Managua I had no clue that my heart and my mind would forever be changed about money, work, and God. I was exposed to malnourished children with distended bellies, and I saw people living in shacks with walls made out of trash bags, and I saw sick children and adolescents abandoned to a church's care because their parents had no other choice in their poverty. And it was shocking, and at times sickening, and it made me sad, but you know what? When I think about Nicaragua, all of that stuff is generally not what I will remember to tell you about. I will remember to tell you about people who laugh from their hearts, and open their arms to silly chelas from America. I will remember to tell you about pitch black skies with brilliant stars popping out in three dimensions at the edge of the Pacific ocean, and the sound of rain pounding on the tin roof of a mission house, and the feel of a cold shower on a sweltering night, and the sting of bug spray on shaved legs, and swimming without fear in the green waves off the shores of Corinto, and homemade plantains and chicken and rice and avocados from a woman who fed us just because she knew we were hungry, and learning to cook from women who didn't speak one word of English, and driving in the back of a camioneta in wind and rain in the dark of the night or the still of the dawn, and splashing around in a torrential rainstorm on the night of our goodbye party, and teaching English to people eager to learn so that they could somehow create a better future for the people they love.
My mind and heart were changed about money. Because in America our lives are lived for work and consumption, yet joy remains elusive. Yet there is so much joy in the heart of my Nica friend who may never even know the luxuries that I take for granted. And my mind and heart were changed about work, because the Nicaraguan people that I met viewed work as such a blessing and all of my excuses about possibly not being the best, or as good as someone else, seemed utterly ridiculous. I learned about simply making myself available and letting God worry about the rest. And my mind and heart were changed about God, because for the first time I was able to worship him and experience him outside of the context of my American culture, and I got a glimpse of just how big he really is.
If Josh makes it to New Delhi this summer, I don't know what awaits him. But I pray that it will be something that shakes his worldview and sends him back home with new insight to life.
And I also have to admit that I am a little jealous. But really what I want most of all is to return to Nicaragua and spend a few more nights in the coastal town of Corinto, so close to the ocean that you can hear the waves pounding the shore at night. And I want to sit around a table with my Nica friends, laughing and loving and sweating and... living.
I will miss him a lot while he's away, but after spending a month in Nicaragua I could never not want him to have a similar experience. It completely changed my worldview. I think everyone should have an experience like it, especially when you are still single. I have a feeling Joshua and I will tie the knot one day-- and then we'll have many years to trek across the globe together. But there are some things you just have to do on your own. I hope that his application is accepted and that he gets to go. I just told him not to fall in love with a beautiful Indian girl.
I had no idea what to expect when I went to Nicaragua; when we arrived in Managua I had no clue that my heart and my mind would forever be changed about money, work, and God. I was exposed to malnourished children with distended bellies, and I saw people living in shacks with walls made out of trash bags, and I saw sick children and adolescents abandoned to a church's care because their parents had no other choice in their poverty. And it was shocking, and at times sickening, and it made me sad, but you know what? When I think about Nicaragua, all of that stuff is generally not what I will remember to tell you about. I will remember to tell you about people who laugh from their hearts, and open their arms to silly chelas from America. I will remember to tell you about pitch black skies with brilliant stars popping out in three dimensions at the edge of the Pacific ocean, and the sound of rain pounding on the tin roof of a mission house, and the feel of a cold shower on a sweltering night, and the sting of bug spray on shaved legs, and swimming without fear in the green waves off the shores of Corinto, and homemade plantains and chicken and rice and avocados from a woman who fed us just because she knew we were hungry, and learning to cook from women who didn't speak one word of English, and driving in the back of a camioneta in wind and rain in the dark of the night or the still of the dawn, and splashing around in a torrential rainstorm on the night of our goodbye party, and teaching English to people eager to learn so that they could somehow create a better future for the people they love.
My mind and heart were changed about money. Because in America our lives are lived for work and consumption, yet joy remains elusive. Yet there is so much joy in the heart of my Nica friend who may never even know the luxuries that I take for granted. And my mind and heart were changed about work, because the Nicaraguan people that I met viewed work as such a blessing and all of my excuses about possibly not being the best, or as good as someone else, seemed utterly ridiculous. I learned about simply making myself available and letting God worry about the rest. And my mind and heart were changed about God, because for the first time I was able to worship him and experience him outside of the context of my American culture, and I got a glimpse of just how big he really is.
If Josh makes it to New Delhi this summer, I don't know what awaits him. But I pray that it will be something that shakes his worldview and sends him back home with new insight to life.
And I also have to admit that I am a little jealous. But really what I want most of all is to return to Nicaragua and spend a few more nights in the coastal town of Corinto, so close to the ocean that you can hear the waves pounding the shore at night. And I want to sit around a table with my Nica friends, laughing and loving and sweating and... living.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Nonsensical
I have been thinking deeply lately about random issues... to include life's direction, my attitude and outlook, personal transparency, repressed memories and emotions, life's simple pleasures, love and relationships, choices and their ramifications and authentic spirituality. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around, it seems that I grab one by the tail and examine it for a moment and then it slips out of my grasp and spirals back into the myriad.
Currently I am sitting in my bed, laptop in it's namesake position and the smell of roses permeates everything. I have a red pashmina draped over me that my dad bought for me a few years back, just because it is beautiful and soft and make me feel elegant in my Lynyrd Skynyrd tee and worn blue jeans.
There is so much about life that I want to discover and taste and at the same time so much I let hold me back. The basest reticence is laziness and habit-- the most formidable would probably be incapacitating fear. My theme for this year is freedom from fear. Maybe I should also incorporate liberty from laziness as a subtitle.
What inspires you?
I have been making a mental list of things in this world that I enjoy for the last ten minutes or so, beginning with this pashmina and continuing to world history and poetry and hot water and fudge brownies. Although I'm not sure I would call fudge brownies inspirational, they do make me happy-- and the simple pleasures of life are inspirational to me in their own right.
Tomorrow I will go downtown to church, which is in a bar, and amidst the beer taps and Big Ass ceiling fan, I will worship God and do my best to be authentic with him. I don't usually do much in the way of preparation for this, but I think that tonight I just want to quiet my heart into a rhythm of gratitude for the simple things, so that tomorrow I will be ready to focus on the Great. Comprehend it just a tad more, and be sufficiently overwhelmed.
This post has been a mite nonsensical, but what is a blog for but expression? Here I am expressed on a Saturday night.
Ciao, bella.
Currently I am sitting in my bed, laptop in it's namesake position and the smell of roses permeates everything. I have a red pashmina draped over me that my dad bought for me a few years back, just because it is beautiful and soft and make me feel elegant in my Lynyrd Skynyrd tee and worn blue jeans.
There is so much about life that I want to discover and taste and at the same time so much I let hold me back. The basest reticence is laziness and habit-- the most formidable would probably be incapacitating fear. My theme for this year is freedom from fear. Maybe I should also incorporate liberty from laziness as a subtitle.
What inspires you?
I have been making a mental list of things in this world that I enjoy for the last ten minutes or so, beginning with this pashmina and continuing to world history and poetry and hot water and fudge brownies. Although I'm not sure I would call fudge brownies inspirational, they do make me happy-- and the simple pleasures of life are inspirational to me in their own right.
Tomorrow I will go downtown to church, which is in a bar, and amidst the beer taps and Big Ass ceiling fan, I will worship God and do my best to be authentic with him. I don't usually do much in the way of preparation for this, but I think that tonight I just want to quiet my heart into a rhythm of gratitude for the simple things, so that tomorrow I will be ready to focus on the Great. Comprehend it just a tad more, and be sufficiently overwhelmed.
This post has been a mite nonsensical, but what is a blog for but expression? Here I am expressed on a Saturday night.
Ciao, bella.
He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-- Yeats
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-- Yeats
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day Extravaganza
Like so many women, my Valentine's Days memories have been tepid at best, tearful at worst. Until today, my Valentine memories have included overhearing a boyfriend brag about the cheap price he got for my gift, an ex obligating me into an unwanted dinner date and the all-time favorite-- forgotten.
Okay, "forgotten" really isn't fair. Huge miscommunication is more like it.
This year, Joshua set out to erase all those memories and replace them with something wonderful.
For some reason I woke up at 5:46 a.m. for no apparent reason. Because of that, when a hooded male figure came tiptoeing into my room fifteen minutes later, I sat up with a huge gasp, expecting a rapist or murderer. Then I saw the shadowed outline of a huge bouquet of flowers. And that favorite guy voice of mine, whispering, "It's okay, Megan, it's just me."
He put the flowers on my vanity table with a card and went to make a quick escape but I grabbed him just before he shimmied out my bedroom door. I pulled him down for a big hug and good gravy, he smelled divine. He got up at 5:00 in the morning to come over and he shaved first? Happy Valentine's Day to me, indeed.
He gave me instructions to rest and went downstairs and started banging around the kitchen. I dallied for a bit before turning on the light to check out my flowers. Gorgeous wildflower bouquet and the perfect card. My Valentine's day was complete already.
I was in the middle of taking a shower when I smelled something heavenly outside the bathroom door. Knock, knock. "Megan, your breakfast is ready." This man of mine has brought me my favorite breakfast up to my room on a tray. Homemade waffles with strawberries and powdered sugar.
I wanted to take my flowers to work so that everyone could admire them, but Josh wouldn't let me. I asked him to help me make my lunch and he wouldn't do that, either. Tricky, tricky. I drove to work in a romantic haze and told everyone on my floor about breakfast. Noon rolled around, and I expected Josh with lunch in tow, and maybe a dozen roses.
In he walks. Gorgeous glass vase, overflowing with THREE DOZEN red roses. My favorite. And lunch. The roses were a major interruption for the rest of the day as almost everyone who walked down the hall came in to comment. But I didn't mind-- I just blushed every time and told everyone I have the best boyfriend in the world. Cause it's true. Can't you tell?
Right now, I'm all dressed up in a red polka-dotted dress, waiting to go downstairs. Josh has made us dinner and more surprises in store.
I am a princess today.
That's all there is to say.
Okay, "forgotten" really isn't fair. Huge miscommunication is more like it.
This year, Joshua set out to erase all those memories and replace them with something wonderful.
For some reason I woke up at 5:46 a.m. for no apparent reason. Because of that, when a hooded male figure came tiptoeing into my room fifteen minutes later, I sat up with a huge gasp, expecting a rapist or murderer. Then I saw the shadowed outline of a huge bouquet of flowers. And that favorite guy voice of mine, whispering, "It's okay, Megan, it's just me."
He put the flowers on my vanity table with a card and went to make a quick escape but I grabbed him just before he shimmied out my bedroom door. I pulled him down for a big hug and good gravy, he smelled divine. He got up at 5:00 in the morning to come over and he shaved first? Happy Valentine's Day to me, indeed.
He gave me instructions to rest and went downstairs and started banging around the kitchen. I dallied for a bit before turning on the light to check out my flowers. Gorgeous wildflower bouquet and the perfect card. My Valentine's day was complete already.
I was in the middle of taking a shower when I smelled something heavenly outside the bathroom door. Knock, knock. "Megan, your breakfast is ready." This man of mine has brought me my favorite breakfast up to my room on a tray. Homemade waffles with strawberries and powdered sugar.
I wanted to take my flowers to work so that everyone could admire them, but Josh wouldn't let me. I asked him to help me make my lunch and he wouldn't do that, either. Tricky, tricky. I drove to work in a romantic haze and told everyone on my floor about breakfast. Noon rolled around, and I expected Josh with lunch in tow, and maybe a dozen roses.
In he walks. Gorgeous glass vase, overflowing with THREE DOZEN red roses. My favorite. And lunch. The roses were a major interruption for the rest of the day as almost everyone who walked down the hall came in to comment. But I didn't mind-- I just blushed every time and told everyone I have the best boyfriend in the world. Cause it's true. Can't you tell?
Right now, I'm all dressed up in a red polka-dotted dress, waiting to go downstairs. Josh has made us dinner and more surprises in store.
I am a princess today.
That's all there is to say.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Alright, people of the realm
I've added a Required Reading list if you are part of the bloggosphere. The blogs I haunt on a regular basis.
Today, you absolutely must check out the latest by Miss-Mrs... she's posted a link to a retouching website that shows you celeb "before and after retouching" photos. It's amazing! Gave my confidence a boost to know that all the perfect skin plastered across magazine racks really isn't so perfect at all. Most of the time it is blemished, sun-weathered or just plain old... unless you are Halle Berry. I swear that woman is one of the most gorgeous ever.
Not much has been going on around here-- although this Thursday is Valentine's Day and that's pretty exciting. I have plans to wear a red polka-dotted dress. Anybody with me?
Lots of love!
Ciao, bella.
Today, you absolutely must check out the latest by Miss-Mrs... she's posted a link to a retouching website that shows you celeb "before and after retouching" photos. It's amazing! Gave my confidence a boost to know that all the perfect skin plastered across magazine racks really isn't so perfect at all. Most of the time it is blemished, sun-weathered or just plain old... unless you are Halle Berry. I swear that woman is one of the most gorgeous ever.
Not much has been going on around here-- although this Thursday is Valentine's Day and that's pretty exciting. I have plans to wear a red polka-dotted dress. Anybody with me?
Lots of love!
Ciao, bella.
Friday, February 8, 2008
The next ten
21. I love food, even though I am pretty picky about it. If you ever want to just make me happy, take me to the Cheesecake Factory. Or Babe's Pizza in Brandon, FL. Or the Grande Luxe in downtown Chicago. Or Las Tapas in Alexandria. Or the Coral Reef in the Living Seas at EPCOT. Three out of these five have deserts that make me moan. Seriously.
22. I love the sound of moving water. Rain. Waterfalls. Babbling brooks. Fountains. Ocean waves. I must live by that sound.
23. Going to the library makes me excited. I actually have daydreams about visiting the Library of Congress.
24. You know how little girls love horses? I never grew out of that stage.
25. I refuse to go shopping unless I have money because it puts me in a foul mood otherwise. I don't understand how "browsing for fun" is fun at all. I also have no patience when it comes to searching around for the best deal.
26. I have a Harley fetish. I am also not afraid of Bike Week and the girls in thongs and chaps and the saloons that go along with it.
27. If I could have one luxury in life, I would choose weekly massages. Oh, please.
28. I adore going to the symphony. The first time I went, it was to hear the Royal Philharmonic in Orlando and when they started to play, it literally took my breath away and I let out a huge gasp. It was one of the most glorious sounds I've ever heard.
29. I read the dictionary for fun.
30. I'm a brand-name snob, especially about food. Blame my mother.
22. I love the sound of moving water. Rain. Waterfalls. Babbling brooks. Fountains. Ocean waves. I must live by that sound.
23. Going to the library makes me excited. I actually have daydreams about visiting the Library of Congress.
24. You know how little girls love horses? I never grew out of that stage.
25. I refuse to go shopping unless I have money because it puts me in a foul mood otherwise. I don't understand how "browsing for fun" is fun at all. I also have no patience when it comes to searching around for the best deal.
26. I have a Harley fetish. I am also not afraid of Bike Week and the girls in thongs and chaps and the saloons that go along with it.
27. If I could have one luxury in life, I would choose weekly massages. Oh, please.
28. I adore going to the symphony. The first time I went, it was to hear the Royal Philharmonic in Orlando and when they started to play, it literally took my breath away and I let out a huge gasp. It was one of the most glorious sounds I've ever heard.
29. I read the dictionary for fun.
30. I'm a brand-name snob, especially about food. Blame my mother.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Fake homesickness
Things I miss about Florida, aside from family and friends:
the beach.
wearing my Rainbows.
really good thunderstorms.
stadium seating in the movie theater.
(see, I showed you all how the seats are supposed to look.)
the beach.
wearing my Rainbows.
really good thunderstorms.
stadium seating in the movie theater.
(see, I showed you all how the seats are supposed to look.)
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Help and healing
So yesterday I went to counseling for the first time in my life.
Sometimes I have felt like I should see a counselor, but I never went because in the end I convinced myself that I have had a great life and really what I would be doing is making things up to talk about.
I was certainly wrong about that.
About 30 minutes in I realized that even though I'm a pretty blessed chick, I've still got some serious issues lurking in there. And they are really twisted and I definitely need help sorting them out.
It wasn't what I was expecting. I wasn't expecting someone trained in psychology to be able to ask the exact question that would make me feel the most unsettled. (duh) But that's what Mary did and it completely worked me over. At one point I started shaking uncontrollably. It was so weird, but at the same time it was really good because I realize that what we talked about needs to be processed and dealt with and I am eager to do that.
Ever since I've been in Asheville I have felt like the Lord is really speaking to me that he desires me to be real with him. He has shown me how in many ways I am a captive to fear and how he wants me to be free. That's what prompted me to go to counseling-- I realized that if I want to be free, I've got to get some help.
So I am. And I'm unashamed. And I am now recommending Mary to everyone who lives in a 50-mile radius of Asheville, because she is an amazing counselor.
Healing in my inmost parts... the Lord desires truth there. And where there is truth there will be healing. Thank you, Jesus.
Sometimes I have felt like I should see a counselor, but I never went because in the end I convinced myself that I have had a great life and really what I would be doing is making things up to talk about.
I was certainly wrong about that.
About 30 minutes in I realized that even though I'm a pretty blessed chick, I've still got some serious issues lurking in there. And they are really twisted and I definitely need help sorting them out.
It wasn't what I was expecting. I wasn't expecting someone trained in psychology to be able to ask the exact question that would make me feel the most unsettled. (duh) But that's what Mary did and it completely worked me over. At one point I started shaking uncontrollably. It was so weird, but at the same time it was really good because I realize that what we talked about needs to be processed and dealt with and I am eager to do that.
Ever since I've been in Asheville I have felt like the Lord is really speaking to me that he desires me to be real with him. He has shown me how in many ways I am a captive to fear and how he wants me to be free. That's what prompted me to go to counseling-- I realized that if I want to be free, I've got to get some help.
So I am. And I'm unashamed. And I am now recommending Mary to everyone who lives in a 50-mile radius of Asheville, because she is an amazing counselor.
Healing in my inmost parts... the Lord desires truth there. And where there is truth there will be healing. Thank you, Jesus.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Inclement Weather
When I started my new job, I learned that one of my duties is calling the media to post school closing information. I thought this was going to be a lot of fun.
I guess I didn't realize that it entailed 5:45 a.m. calls and sleeplessness.
Oh well. At least I'm the first to know when there's no work.
Today is an inclement weather day. I tried to go back to sleep at 6:00 a.m. after calling the news, but my body declared that it had other plans. I laid in bed in vain for half an hour before getting up to shower. I've been up since. So far I have finished off one ER DVD and paid all of my bills. And tried again to sleep to no avail.
Yesterday I got paid and I was really disappointed in my paycheck. What I expected to get was my gross before the government took 600 of my dollars. I was bemoaning my fate for a good thirty minutes before God sent this reminder into my head: I once picked up this book about contentment and step one was "never allow yourself to complain about anything." I felt convicted and stopped complaining and started dancing again. Payday, everyone!
Now, most of my money is gone, but at least I know my bills are paid and there will be enough to buy groceries this month. Toward the end of January it was slim pickin's 'round these parts.
I did splurge and download The Heat by Needtobreathe. Kak, you should add that to your training mix.
My realization this morning is that blogging is fun and free. My kind of entertainment.
Are you ready for today's ten things? Here we go...
11. I'm an only child, but wasn't always. My younger sister died of heart disease 18 years ago. I now have a strange mix of only child/oldest child personality characteristics.
12. I love thunderstorms... which leads into the weird fact that I get very excited whenever a natural disaster is imminent. Is that sadistic? I am just most pumped in the midst of a crisis situation. Maybe I'm wired to do relief work.
13. My boyfriend bought me an iPod for Christmas. I had been secretly wanting one but trying to convince myself (quite publicly) that iPods are a detriment to society because they alienate people even further from one another in our already individualistic-to-the-point-of-ignoring-everyone-else lifestyles. I got an iPod speaker hook-up and share my tunes with everyone at work all day. I'm not sure if my Nigerian boss always digs my selection, but nobody has slammed their door shut yet.
14. If I could live in any three American cities in my lifetime, I would pick Asheville, Chicago and D.C.
15. When I was in Rome I went to the Trevi fountain and threw coins over my shoulder so that I would come back to Italy married. I completely believe it will happen.
16. I like to organize the clothes hanging in my closet by color.
17. Some days I really want to be married, and other days I am terrified of it. I'm pretty sure that's a sign I'm not ready yet.
18. I have these patent leather red high heels that make me feel absolutely bedazzling whenever I wear them.
19. I hate carrying a purse, but it's essential because I like to be forever prepared.
20. I spent a month in Nicaragua in 2006 and I'm pretty sure I left part of my heart there. I wonder a lot when I will get to go back.
Just found out that the campus is shut down for the day. That leaves me at home to lounge around and get ready for a wonderful date with my handsome man tonight. Our plans include dinner (with my favorite thing included... hot bread to dip in olive oil and assorted Italian spices), ice cream from the Marble Slab for dessert despite below freezing temperatures, and a movie at home while snuggled up on the couch. I've been looking forward to this all week. Now there's no work today. Long weekend!
I'm incredibly happy, and over and out.
Ciao, bella.
I guess I didn't realize that it entailed 5:45 a.m. calls and sleeplessness.
Oh well. At least I'm the first to know when there's no work.
Today is an inclement weather day. I tried to go back to sleep at 6:00 a.m. after calling the news, but my body declared that it had other plans. I laid in bed in vain for half an hour before getting up to shower. I've been up since. So far I have finished off one ER DVD and paid all of my bills. And tried again to sleep to no avail.
Yesterday I got paid and I was really disappointed in my paycheck. What I expected to get was my gross before the government took 600 of my dollars. I was bemoaning my fate for a good thirty minutes before God sent this reminder into my head: I once picked up this book about contentment and step one was "never allow yourself to complain about anything." I felt convicted and stopped complaining and started dancing again. Payday, everyone!
Now, most of my money is gone, but at least I know my bills are paid and there will be enough to buy groceries this month. Toward the end of January it was slim pickin's 'round these parts.
I did splurge and download The Heat by Needtobreathe. Kak, you should add that to your training mix.
My realization this morning is that blogging is fun and free. My kind of entertainment.
Are you ready for today's ten things? Here we go...
11. I'm an only child, but wasn't always. My younger sister died of heart disease 18 years ago. I now have a strange mix of only child/oldest child personality characteristics.
12. I love thunderstorms... which leads into the weird fact that I get very excited whenever a natural disaster is imminent. Is that sadistic? I am just most pumped in the midst of a crisis situation. Maybe I'm wired to do relief work.
13. My boyfriend bought me an iPod for Christmas. I had been secretly wanting one but trying to convince myself (quite publicly) that iPods are a detriment to society because they alienate people even further from one another in our already individualistic-to-the-point-of-ignoring-everyone-else lifestyles. I got an iPod speaker hook-up and share my tunes with everyone at work all day. I'm not sure if my Nigerian boss always digs my selection, but nobody has slammed their door shut yet.
14. If I could live in any three American cities in my lifetime, I would pick Asheville, Chicago and D.C.
15. When I was in Rome I went to the Trevi fountain and threw coins over my shoulder so that I would come back to Italy married. I completely believe it will happen.
16. I like to organize the clothes hanging in my closet by color.
17. Some days I really want to be married, and other days I am terrified of it. I'm pretty sure that's a sign I'm not ready yet.
18. I have these patent leather red high heels that make me feel absolutely bedazzling whenever I wear them.
19. I hate carrying a purse, but it's essential because I like to be forever prepared.
20. I spent a month in Nicaragua in 2006 and I'm pretty sure I left part of my heart there. I wonder a lot when I will get to go back.
Just found out that the campus is shut down for the day. That leaves me at home to lounge around and get ready for a wonderful date with my handsome man tonight. Our plans include dinner (with my favorite thing included... hot bread to dip in olive oil and assorted Italian spices), ice cream from the Marble Slab for dessert despite below freezing temperatures, and a movie at home while snuggled up on the couch. I've been looking forward to this all week. Now there's no work today. Long weekend!
I'm incredibly happy, and over and out.
Ciao, bella.
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