Okay...

So I had a really interesting post that I wanted to write this evening, but I currently feel like I am about to vomit (which is either due to exhaustion or an overabundance of pizza consumption) and so I need to go hang my head over the toilet and/or go to bed. We'll see which works.

Till tomorrow, folks.

L'chaim... or to Jesus?

Sometimes I am just absolutely stunned by all the blessings God has lavished upon me.

When was the last time you took a minute to just think about that?

I look around my bedroom right now and I just see the evidence of God's blessing and abundant provision in my life. Considering all that I have, I realize that I am so materially wealthy and also very blessed in ways immaterial. I see pictures of trips to D.C., Italy, Chicago, Savannah, England, Scotland. Photos of my family, friends, and beautiful landscapes that I have had the pleasure of laying my eyes upon. A keyboard and the ability to craft melodies that express emotion and set my heart free. A closet full of clothes to not only keep me warm but also keep me looking somewhat fashionable. A chest full of jewelry, two bins full of shoes-- including one hot pair of red patent leather heels. Books, movies, music... warm blankets and feather pillows... a kitchen full of food upstairs and money on my desk to go get my hair cut tomorrow. So much!

Shannon (the pastor at Highland) posed this challenging question last Sunday, referring to our relationship with Jesus: are you in it for God's blessings, or are you in it for God? Meaning, is my spirituality about wanting an escape from hell, wanting God to make my life easier, wanting God to give me more good stuff like I mentioned above? Or is it about wanting to know God and love Jesus? To examine my heart truthfully in light of that question made me squirm a bit, I'll be honest.

My heart truly longs to love my King for who He is, and not for His gifts. Although I am very appreciative of them, and I am planning to enjoy my haircut tremendously tomorrow. ;) But I think I will ponder throughout my Friday what exactly it means to pursue my God solely for the sake of knowing Him.

Time flies

I don't know where 2008 went. I can't believe that October will be over in two days and in less than a week we'll know who our next president is. If life is passing this quickly and I'm only 23, I don't want to imagine how it will fly by when I'm 40.

Since the reinvention of my life and the decision to stay in Asheville, I think that October has proven to be the hardest month. There has been more crying, more stress, and more emotional wreckage this month for some reason. I think that it is a hard month anyway... lots of dark spiritual activity in these parts before Halloween.

I am tired and I'm wrestling between wanting to soldier on and push past the pain and tiredness, and wanting to give myself some time for rest and rejuvenation.

Thoughts?

Snow in October?

Snow in October?

View from my bedroom window

Kristie snapped these photos when I was at staff meeting this morning. Can you believe it snowed?! It's October!

Busy day

sleeping in, check
banana bread, check
mulled apple cider, check
homemade chocolate chip cookies, check
watching autumn leaves fall off the trees, check
fettuccine alfredo, check
quality time with K-Smeltz, check

also

hike up Lookout Trail to a beautiful panoramic Blue Ridge mountain view, check
a rousing game of Scattergories, check
surprise visit by Katie, check
viewing of Juno, check

It's been a busy day and I'm off to bed. Later taters.

Mission accomplished

Kristie has come to visit me for a few days, yay! We jumped right into carving pumpkins this afternoon. I had never carved a pumpkin before, so today was a day that I got to check off "carve a pumpkin" from my list of New Year's resolutions and life ambitions. Together with Kristie, Joshua, and three of the Worthy girls, I spent a good two hours on the front porch scooping out pumkin guts and carving out designs. Josh and I shared a pumpkin and he carved a claddagh in one side and I went with the classic Jack-o-Lantern look on the other. Kristie went for a Dracula feel.

Tomorrow should be full of good things... sleeping in, banana bread, pedicures, maybe a drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway, making mulled apple cider and homemade chocolate chip cookies (Kristie's gonna teach me to do it right), watching autumn leaves fall off the trees, fettuccine alfredo a la Megan Monday, Bible study, and quality time with one of my best girls, K-Smeltz.

Kristie's Dracula on the left, my Jack-o-Lantern on the right.

Joshua's claddagh carving.

Saturday bliss

Sometimes, Saturdays are bliss.

I have decided that Saturdays will be my sabbath. Literally, my day of rest. I think that traditionally Sunday is the sabbath, but on Sundays I still feel like I'm working because of everything going on at the church. So I have designated Saturday as my do-nothing day.

Not that today was uneventful.

I slept in until a glorious 10:00, only mildly disturbed by an arguing Emma and Amanda in the den outside my room, no doubt fighting over whether they should watch Hannah Montana or Goosebumps.

I went for an hour-long walk with Nikki, who took me on a tour of Biltmore Park with all the swank houses and beautiful views of the mountains. So many gorgeous trees. I picked a leaf for Joshua, the most perfect one I have seen all season. Nikki also graced me with a check so that I can get my hair cut at Carmen Carmen. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

I went over to Grammy Doris' house for lunch and some quality time with my man. We made it through a half-hour of Nintendo before I ordered Joshua off to take a nap and I settled in with The Oath, a Frank Peretti novel that I haven't read in probably ten years. Also did laundry, but laundry is the easiest of all chores to do, so it shouldn't even really count as a chore. (Joshua needed a nap, by the way, because he is currently working the 4:30-12:00 shift at Target. That would be the 4:30 a.m.-noon shift, folks. Yikes.)

I woke Joshua up and we headed over to our friends' house for dinner. Dan and Deb are an awesome couple we met at Highland and clicked with right away. Deb made us homemade chili and biscuits and hot apple cider, and then after dinner we settled in the living room for an evening of eating cookies (break n' bake, Aaron) and playing Catch Phrase. It was good food, good fun, and good company. The perfect ending to my blissful Saturday.

Then there was the encore of flirting with my boyfriend as he dropped me off at home.

Saturday bliss.

Feels like Friday

I changed my Facebook settings to Pirate today and now everything is translated into pirate speak. Ahoy, mateys!

Just got home from a "masquerade" party with Joshua (where he totally dominated the poker table-- too bad it wasn't for money, we could use it) and I am t-i-r-e-d. It was good to see everyone though and hang out and play games and laugh and talk and just enjoy each other's company on a Friday night. Fridays are good days. Even with my new schedule working for the church, I still like Fridays. Fridays have a certain feel. You know when you are working that if you can just make it until 5:00, good things await. At the Worthys house, Little Caesar's pizza always awaits, and I'm all about that. Plus Joshua and I usually get to watch half a movie with them before we leave for the Prayer Gallery, which is also fun. Tonight's movie was the latest Indiana Jones flick and we accidentally got sucked in and were late to the Gallery.

I think that Jesus is coming back soon. I mean I really do. Before this season in my life, I never really thought about it. I thought, there have been thousands of Christians in the generations before me who thought Jesus would come back in their lifetime and He didn't. Why should my lifetime be any different? But it is. People are dreaming dreams. Having visions.

In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.

If I actually take the time to think about what that means, it makes me want to drastically alter some things about my life. Isn't it interesting how easily we are sucked into complacency and distracted by worthless things? Who was it that said that our lives are frittered away by detail?

What would you do if you knew that Jesus was coming back in, let's say, five years?

• × • MY | T H O U G H T S • × •

RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT
I know that God is taking my life on a very grand adventure.
I want to go to bed.
I have a stomach full of beef stew and Oreo cookies. Mmmmm.
I wish that Joshua and I could go on a date.
I fear nothing at the moment.
I hear the sound of true freedom calling, and I love it.
I search for time to spend chewing on Philippians before Monday night's Bible study.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

I was just looking at my old blog on LiveJournal and I am amazed at what God has done in my heart and in my life over the past year. Even when I was clueless, He was taking me along a path to lead me here to this moment and this time... and even now He is taking me along a path to arrive somewhere else when He designs. It's an amazing thing. I am excited to be a part of His kingdom and I want to be the person He wants me to be.

How we live it

I am sitting here in my bedroom and I've already got the electric blanket heating up to get my bed nice and cozy and warm. Yes, it is October 22 and any true northerner will look at me like I'm crazy for the fact that I already have my heating blanket out, but I'm from Florida and to me, a night that's gonna be in the 30s is cold.

I think that one of the tragedies of living in our day and age is that we are so ridiculously overstimulated, and possibly overconnected. We are also amazingly sedentary. All of this makes our schedules jam-packed with things that could be avoided if we would just simplify, or if we went back to an old-fashioned way of life. For instance, my brain cannot quiet down tonight because this week I have read at least ten major international news stories that are troubling to me, gone to a presentation on human trafficking and the sex industry, started a biography on Mother Teresa and another nonfiction work on Celtic Christianity, read over ten different blogs with topics ranging from politics to health issues, read an email inbox full of correspondence awaiting my reply, tackled serious issues of the Kingdom in multiple small group settings, tried to balance working for Bryan with volunteering my time elsewhere, spent quality time with Joshua, enjoyed nature, crammed in exercise, received a pile of letters which I really want to respond to, done chores (although I've forsaken laundry), watched some television, commented on people's Facebook pictures or profiles in order to keep relationships alive, called my family and friends who live elsewhere, blogged every day, composed a new piece on the piano, and spent time with the Lord Almighty. Maybe someone somewhere is impressed by this list, but frankly, I am not. I am exhausted. And there is still more that I wish I could be doing.

Supposedly life is all about balance?

I long for a simpler day and a simpler way of doing life.

We have invented phones, cars, palm pilots, Blackberrys, iPhones, computers, microwaves, and a million other gadgets to make life easier, more efficient, and faster. But maybe we've sped up too much.

For spring break of my junior year of college, I went to stay in a cabin in the woods of western North Carolina for a week. There was no cell phone reception. There was no internet. I think the television had one fuzzy channel. There was a porch, a view, and a fireplace. There were about twelve of us there, and we had nothing to do but cook meals and eat together, talk together, play board games together, and stargaze together. The days passed by so slowly at first that I didn't know what to do. But it was the most refreshing, enjoyable vacation that I think I've ever had.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a farmer. I wouldn't have to cram in an hour or more of exercise every day because I'd be burning calories all day in the fields. I wouldn't have to set aside time to enjoy nature, because I'd be outside all day.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be internet and cell phone free. I wouldn't be able to fritter time away by stalking people on Facebook (maybe, I would actually visit them or write them a letter to see what's going on in their life instead of surmising it through their latest photo album). I wouldn't have the pressure of having to be constantly available by email or phone. Have you noticed how annoyed we all get when someone doesn't answer their cell phone when we call them? It used to be that if you called someone's house phone and they didn't answer, they weren't home. Now, everyone is expected to be at everyone else's beck and call every moment of the day.

Is the accessability of information good for us? Of course it is, in some ways. It is good for accountability, for cooperation, and for education. But I have found that it might just be too much for me. The speaker at the human trafficking presentation I went to tonight described something he called the "paralyzation of despair." I read these international news stories of crisis after crisis in India, Georgia, Iraq, Zimbabwe and that numbness seeps over me. It's too big. There is so much pain, so much suffering, so much abuse in the world. What am I, sitting in my comfy office chair in Asheville, North Carolina, going to do about the 25,000 children in the world that died of starvation today alone? How can I possibly help?

There are so many causes to plead. There is hunger, education, sex trafficking, poverty, clean water, genocide, child soldiery, civil war, disease... and then of course there is the matter of the spiritual lives of all of these people. I desperately want to do something to help in all of those situations. But I'm one person. When I try to look at all of that, I become overwhelmed and the paralyzation of despair overtakes me and I am left sitting in my office chair in a stupor until I click over to Facebook and see who has gone on vacation in the Bahamas this week.

Of course, I'm a hypocrite. Without the internet, I wouldn't be lambasting its evils on this blog. I suppose the point that I'm trying to make is that we have to choose. I think that the people that really made big differences in the world gave their all to one cause. William Wilberforce. Martin Luther King, Jr. Mother Teresa. As much as I want to be about remedying every evil there is, I think that if I'm going to overcome the paralyzation of despair and move into action, I'm going to have to choose one and focus on it. I'm also going to have to choose what to do with my time, and not expect myself to be Wonder Woman.

Maybe it's okay to be slow? To simplify?

I will have to let this ruminate in my brain a bit more... perhaps at an earlier hour when I am capable of processing my thoughts a bit more clearly... and let you know what I've decided to change in my own life, if anything.

Oh, if only I could forsake sleep altogether and do everything I wish to do!

Choices

Vicki on Biggest Loser is one of the most sinister people I have ever seen on a reality television show. It is seriously creepy.

Today was a hard day for me. I struggled a lot this morning, and I am coming to realize that this season in my life is difficult in a different way than I expected it to be. For instance, I expected that being financially poor would be very difficult on me emotionally. Surprisingly, this has been one of the least difficult areas for me to surrender and come to terms with. Today at staff we had to answer the question "what was the last thing you bought for yourself?" and I honestly could not remember. Other than eating out, I haven't bought any material item for myself in months. Finally I remembered that the last thing I bought was in July when I got a dress to wear when I picked up Joshua in Atlanta when he got back from India at the end of the summer. July. Seriously? Really, I haven't even missed the spending (although, as you can tell by my October 15 post, I do have days when I get the "I wants" and I get huffy over not having any cash flow). The main thing I'm jonesin' for these days is a good haircut, and I know the salon I want to go to and I'm just waiting for the money to come in. See? I'm waiting for the money to come in. My entire attitude has changed in these past three months. I have come to the wonderful revelation that it is all God's money and when He sees fit for me to have $35.00 for a haircut, it will somehow arrive in my wallet. In the meantime, I remind Him every so often that I really would like one. You would be amazed at how God honors such honest conversation, especially when I am willing to accept that I must wait.

Emotionally difficult, however, is navigating the waters of vulnerability and interpersonal relations. I find myself in a new circle of people, and we are starting to connect in friendship and partnership in the Gospel. Part of my personality type is that I am very guarded with my heart of hearts; very choosy about who I expose it to. Mary reminded me tonight that Jesus is the one who guards my mind and heart. I pointed out that He sometimes allows things to hurt it.

Yes, He does. And I think I have realized one of His reasons for that. In the past year I've spent in Asheville, I've noticed a method of Jesus. He exposes one wound at a time in my heart, and if I will let Him, He heals it. The healing method is painful and goes something like this: First, the wound is exposed and the scab is ripped off. Our immediate reaction is to recoil and try to conceal that wound and stuff it back down into oblivion. But if we are obedient and faithful to His pursual, He essentially pours rubbing alcohol (truth) all over it and it hurts like crazy. I mean, gut-wrenching, sobbing pain. But then the wound stops festering, and then it begins to heal. And then you look at yourself, at others, at life, and at God in a whole new way. The right way. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.

Basically, I have to choose. Choose vulnerability, choose opening myself up to the people around me, and yes, even to pain. But once I am healed I can stop looking at myself, trying to guard my heart and my wounds all the time, and I can begin to look outward. Out to what God is doing in the world around me. And if I'm lucky, He'll let me be a part of it.

Another meme

I Am...
feeling uncreative tonight
and so I present you with this meme stolen from Miss Marie

I Want...
to have my inner person changed
to know the Word of God
to somehow have an extra $35 to get my haircut at Carmen Carmen

I Have...
no money
big desires
and a wonderful boyfriend

I Wish...
that I could have my cake
and eat it too
for a trip to Nicaragua
that I could suspend time and travel around the world for ages

I Fear...
what I might allow myself be
lazy
undisciplined
complacent

I Search...
for people who have willing hearts
and are okay with plunging beneath the surface of
"how are you" and "good"

I Wonder...
if there are many people out there in the world
like me
with this same burning inside their hearts
for depth and passion and change

I Regret...
wasting time

I Love...
my friends
my family
my Armando del Castillo
my God

I Ache...
to be what I am not
but I am destined to become

I Always...
ache that way

I Sometimes...
get insecure
depressed
discouraged
and lonely

I Dance...
when Joshua takes me in his arms
and twirls me around like a princess

I Sing...
because I'm happy
because I'm free
because His eye is on the sparrow
and I know that He loves me

I Never...
want to stop loving Jesus

I Rarely...
get a pedicure
but I would really like one

I Cry...
when I have PMS
or when someone hurts my feelings
or when I am misunderstood
or when I am angry

I Am Not Always...
nice
and then I get really sad about it

I Lose...
my temper very infrequently
my cell phone constantly

I'm Confused...
about how the American people can be so dumb

I Need...
a hug
a nice date with my boyfriend
to go on a hike and see all the leaves before they fall off the trees
and a haircut

I Should...
be getting ready for bed
staff meeting tomorrow bright and early

I'm Thinking...
that I'm glad that Joshua got a job
but I will miss him
because now I will be eating lunch by myself :(

Also, I took this picture to share with you today... it's the railroad bridge I was talking about yesterday:

And here's a nice one Josh took of the tree in front of Grammy Doris' house:


Beautiful fall!

Seasons and families

I was driving home today from Grammy Doris' house, and just about the time I was about to drive under an old railroad bridge framed with beautiful trees filled with autumn leaves, I started debating which season is my favorite. Actually, it started off with a genuine appreciation for autumn. This morning as I left the house for church the temperature was in the 30s and for the first time since last winter I pulled out my worn gray fleece and a scarf and bundled up before I headed out the door. By this afternoon the sun was shining brightly above and the day warmed up to about 60° or so. I've decided that autumn is such a season of promise. It welcomes in chilly mornings and evenings, and apple cider and stews and warm blankets. The promise of winter is on the horizon... soon it will be cold all day long and snow will dust the mountains and icicles will grow on bare tree limbs outside my bedroom window. But for right now, it's like that pause of inhalation before you jump off of a rockface into a lake below... expectation, anticipation, fullness of life. So I was fully appreciating autumn and all that it brings, but then my mind swung back to summer. When I think of summer I think of suntan lotion, swimming in freshwater lakes, food fresh off the grill, and fireflies. Then of course there is spring, when all the trees and flowers and bushes bloom and there is such a brilliance of color and scent and new life. Even the air feels fresh in springtime. And winter has it's own solemn beauty... ice and the purity of unblemished white snow and icicles and frosty breath in the air. I decided that I just couldn't decide between all of them, and I was just thankful to God that I live in a place where I get to experience the joys of all four seasons now. Florida has two seasons-- summer and February-- as we like to put it.

I was also contemplating family on the drive home. It's not a very long drive, so after that long soliloqy I just wrote you about seasons I'm not sure how I managed to get all this thinking in between there and here. I love the family I was born into. On my mother's side my grandparents were as opposite as could be-- an American G.I. and a British war bride. From my Nana I learned the importance of a thank-you note and good posture, and my grandfather was as steady and loyal as they come. I wish that I could have visited England before my Nana passed away, because I have so many questions that I would ask her now that I have visited her homeland. I don't think she ever stopped pining for it. I think that she passed along to me her love for nature and parks and flowers. She loved beauty, and so do I.

On my dad's side I have grandparents originally from New Jersey whose parents were full-blooded Italians and Puerto Ricans. Although it is not strong, there is still that delightful flavor of that northern immigrant culture that permeates our family. It's in the way my grandmother talks, and in the way my grandfather uses his hands. It's the stories about how my grandfather skipped school to go to New York and play in the pool halls there. It's the recipes that my grandmother learned from her Italian mother, the way we all sit around the table after dinner and rehash the same familiar stories and laugh at all the same parts.

Yet, I also feel as if I have been a part of several different families in my 23 years. They are each unique in their own right, but truly no less special than my own biological family.

In my young years in Kentucky I had a family with four girls: Amanda, Ashleigh, Candi and Nikki. We were in the same class at school, were cheerleaders together, walked home from school together, had slumber parties together, played together, did homework together, had crushes on the same boys together, daydreamed about the future together. Candi and I would walk to her house after school through the Kentucky bluegrass and swim in her pool. So often I would ride my bicycle over to Nikki's house and we would play outside until it got dark and I had to go home. Or we would walk from her house with her big bulky video camera and make endless home videos of us dancing around my bedroom. Those were the days when the only things I had to do after going to school was a piddly amount of homework and my main goal was to PLAY.

I also had another non-biological family at that time in Kentucky with my next door neighbors, the Brands. Together we planted and tended a huge vegetable garden that sat behind our house and reaped the benefits together. Lettuce, radishes, broccoli, carrots, corn... we'd go out to pick vegetables to go with our dinner and we'd all eat together as one big family. Aaron was a year younger than me and Jordan about three years younger, and we were practically inseparable. We tore all over town on our bicycles, peeping into people's windows and playing on the railroad tracks when we weren't supposed to. We also made home videos that should forever be locked away if any of us hope to marry. We watched TV together, ate together, spent our snow days together. Our dad's went to seminary together, our mom's worked across the street from one another, and Aaron and Jordan and I pretended like we ruled the neighborhood (which really only consisted of Brenda Mason and some punk kid named J.T. who wouldn't let Jordan and I up into his treehouse because we were girls).

My high school class became another family to me. There were only 30 or so of us, and we mainly all hung out together, helped each other pass our classes, and were totally into one another's business all the time. I was a cheerleader and I remember distinctly my senior year when it was the guys from my class that became the starters on the basketball team. They had been playing together for over five years at this point, and watching them play was like watching water flow over a rock. I knew by heart the fluid motion of their passes; I knew their pace and rhythm for playing to win; and I knew the feeling when my heart would leap to my throat as one of them shot the ball in a perfect three-point arc right as the buzzer would sound. I knew that Tommy would never miss a free-throw; that Rodney and Philip were good as long as you could get them to drive up the key for a lay-up; and that if TJ was on his game, he could go for a nice streak of threes before being disturbed by anyone. We decorated lockers with signs and candy, and we went to Beef's to celebrate wins and sometimes even after losses. They were my brothers and my boyfriends. Outside the basketball court we grew up together. We dated, we broke each other's hearts, we gossiped, and we were there for each other when we needed it.

In college I had another family. It was born out of a summer spent living in a hotel together in Fort Lauderdale, FL, and it grew as we became roommates, confidants, and comrades in spiritual battle. It was within this family that secrets were shared, dreams were hatched, and love and loyalty were unabashedly present. This family has laughed together and cried together and prayed together and worshiped together... this family truly knew what community was.

Along the way I've also had many sisters... Rebecca, Bethany, Julia, Kristie... the women I have lived with... and cooked with and danced with and cried with and peed my pants with laughter with.

And now, during days like today, I feel like I'm coming to be a part of a new family here in Asheville, and it makes me happy.

I am so incredibly blessed. Do you see all that? A wonderful biological family, and years of memories with my other "families" that have been created throughout my short 23-year-old life. It makes me praise God with my whole heart!

Sick day :P

It was a beautiful, brisk morning when I woke up, but I was confined to enjoying it by looking out the window all day. No hike up Mount Pisgah. Sadness.

Some sort of sickness is traveling around the Worthy abode and I happened to catch it. Yuck.

Josh is a wonderful man, though, and he brought me soup and sourdough bread and lemon-lime Gatorade to help me feel better.

I am a blessed woman. :)

Blustery day

The weather was perfect for autumn today, in my opinion. The morning started out with rain that was more of a drizzle than a full-out rainstorm. Then it cleared up but stayed overcast for most of the day, with the clouds hanging low over the mountains so that their peaks were shrouded in mist. The trees have started to display their full glory now, and so they are green at the core and then branch outward with leaves of yellow and finally taper off with brilliant red. All day long cold gusts of wind were blowing through the valleys, and so puffs of colorful leaves floated off trees and twirled their way down to the streets below.

Beautiful autumn.

Tomorrow I'm going to hike Mount Pisgah, if the weather permits.

The trees are tinged with orange and gold,
the wind has icy fingertips.
Autumn unfurls, her colors unfold,
she breathes a kiss from dusky lips.
I will sit at the riverbanks and taste of the day,
and watch the dying leaves fall.
The trees will bend and in the cold wind sway,
as Autumn to Winter calls.

Today's tidbit

Today Mary and I were commenting on how in the Old Testament times women were sent away for seven days while they had their monthly menstrual cycle. We think this is still a stellar plan and should be reinstated in today's society.

I would be such a happy woman if during that week of the month I could be sent to a little hut in my backyard in my most comfortable PJs with a stack of books and a pile of DVDs and a hefty supply of chocolate and other comfort foods to enjoy a fireplace with a crackling log in it and a broken-in wingchair. Everyone in my path could avoid the ramifications of my PMS days, I could cry in peace without having to explain my rollercoaster of inexplicable emotions, and no one would get hurt.

Is everyone on board with this?

A wayward heart

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Tonight is a night when I am adamantly refusing to listen to my emotions. I think most Americans tend to let their emotions run all over them. But tonight, they will not drive this train.

You shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb.

As much as I hate it, my heart often stands divided.

Who may ascend the hill of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.

Swear by what is false... swear by what is false...

Even money.

You cannot serve both God and Money.

I want, I want, I want. And I get disappointed, swiftly followed by anger and general huffiness toward God when He says no. I have asked for the stripping of my flesh. I want to complain about the discomfort. But... in a brilliant Megan finish... I don't have to drink feces water. This is a plus.

*Gasp*

Joshua and I just totally gasped out loud at the television at the conclusion of tonight's Biggest Loser episode. Shellay, the unfortunate victim of tonight's elimination, looks completely foxy now! They always show a comparison to when the contestants first arrived at "The Ranch" and where they are at now, after the episode is shown where they were eliminated. This was a moment that left us both gaping.

Sign me up for the Biggest Loser.

Not.

So I do have a few unwanted pounds that I would like to shed. Especially before winter arrives and brings with her all sorts of delectable, creamy, heavy, rich foods that are perfect for the cold months. (They are also perfect for insulating the body with a nice layer of fat.) Last week during the "Trainer Tips" segment of the show, Trainer Jillian told us that if we just did jumping jacks during every commercial break of the hour-long show, we would burn 300 calories. Can you believe that? Neither could we. Until we tried it tonight.

When is the last time you tried to do jumping jacks for three minutes?

Maybe this was a sorry revelation of my sad cardiovascular state, but that junk is hard. I am not fit for a workout with Trainer Bob or Trainer Jillian. There would be nothing left of me afterwards.

So there were two kinds of gasping tonight. Megan gasping in awe of Shellay's rockin' new size 10 body, and Megan gasping for air as she neared the three minute mark (after several attempts at cheating) and begged for the show to come back on. Lovely.

Meg's Movie Reviews

I'm an avid Netflixer, but I will never be one of those people who reviews the DVD on the site. However, last night I promised you a movie review and so a movie review you shall get.

Actually three.

We never actually made it to Penelope last night, but I've seen it before so I'll go on what I remember. I remember that I didn't think Christina Ricci's pig snout was that abhorrent, that Reese Witherspoon's character is spectacular, and that Mr. Tumnus from Narnia played the male lead. Did anyone else pick up on that? I thought the kiss at the end was swoontastic, and the mother was ridiculous. I give it 3.5 stars.

I think I'm pretty bad at reviews.

27 Dresses is cute. I love the bar/Bennie and the Jets scene complete with the "I cried like a baby at the Keller wedding." Michelle and I agreed that the best part is when James Marsden (who really can sing, can you believe that?) orders Katherine Heigl to "get over here." My favorite laugh out loud moment is when Kevin (Marsden) asks Jane (Heigl) if she has any needs of her own, since she is always looking out for everyone else. She looks at him with a very serious expression and says, "No. I'm Jesus." I give it 3.5 stars.

Many people oppose Moonstruck simply because it boasts Cher as the leading lady. Which I can understand... I won't watch anything with Will Ferrell in it (although I did recently try Stranger Than Fiction and found it delightful). However, if you have family that is Italian, or from New York, or both (like mine), I don't see how you can not like this movie. It's like being Greek and hating My Big Fat Greek Wedding (I have a Grecian friend and she told me that it's dead on).

I think Cher does a great job as Loretta. Her father reminds me of my grandfather, down to the hand gestures and tone of voice. Olympia Dukakis is brilliant as Loretta's mother, Rose, especially in her scenes with John Mahoney (more famously known for his role as the father on the sitcom Fraiser). And you get to see Nicholas Cage before he got dental veneers and really honed his acting chops.

The similarities to my family makes the movie heartwarming for me. I like the easy pace of the film, and the detail of the familial interactions that pull me in. The only drawback for me is that there are some downright ridiculous lines, i.e. "She is filled with more promise than moonlight in a martini." But there are some downright hilarious lines too, that are oft repeated between Joshua, Michelle, and myself: "What's the matter with you? Your life's going down the toilet!" Five stars.

Happy Birthday, Shell Bell!

It's Michelle's 19th birthday today.

We're wrapping up the night (after a delicious feast of crab) by subjecting Joshua to three chick flicks:

27 Dresses
Moonstruck
Penelope

Tell me your opinions. I'll tell you mine tomorrow.

A Saturday meme

Hello again. Getting ready for a cookout on a blustery autumn evening in Myrtle Beach and I'm skimping out of the preparation in order to bring you this wonderful meme a la Miss Marie.

10 WHAT'S:

1. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?
Actual progression of thought this morning, even though it was very strange: Oh, sunshine! Let it soak into your soul! Sing a new song unto the Lord! I don't feel like singing. Whose bed is this? Oh, I'm in Myrtle Beach. I have to pee. My arm hurts. How the heck was I laying on it?

2. What did you do last night?
Had dinner (homemade lasagna... mmmmm) with Joshua's father and stepmom. Baked chocolate chip cookies (Betty Crocker... couldn't risk another Megan surprise) while waiting for Michelle to get off work. Surprised Michelle's socks off by being at her house when she arrived home. Watched The Illusionist and stayed up talking with Michelle and Joshua until 3:00 a.m. Blogged. Zonked out.

3. What is the most important part of your life?
My relationship with Jesus Christ and being the person that God desires me to be. Loving all the people that God has put in my path, especially my family and friends and a certain someone.

4. What would you rather be doing right now?
I'm content to be here right now.

5. What did you last cry over?
Some fellow Christ-followers misunderstanding an integral part of the character of God and their inability to see the truth at this point.

6. What always makes you feel better when you're upset?
Coke and pizza and snuggles.

7. What's the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
A man that understands my heart and that has the same desires in his heart that I have.

8. What are you worried about?
Not much, except the fact that I should probably be helping instead of blogging right now.

9. What are you looking forward to most in this week?
Dinner with Shell Bell and Joshua tomorrow night and reading.

10. What are you thinking about right now?
"It sure is going to be a long drive back to Asheville..."

NINE HAVE YOU’S:

1. Have you ever won anything?
Yes... a book about Aladdin from the movies when I was a little kid, an essay-writing contest for D.A.R.E., my high school talent show, Joshua Geiger's heart... ;)

2. Have you ever had a broken heart?
Multiple times by men, multiple times by this world. Expecting the world to continue in days to come.

3. Have you ever been out of the country?
Si. To Nicaragua, Italy, England, and Scotland.

4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Oh yes.

5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Has anyone not?

6. Have you ever had the cops called on you?
Once a party my roommate and I hosted was too loud and someone called the cops. That's not very exciting, though.

7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Joshua is 15 months younger than me.

8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
LOL - of course.

9. Have you ever sang to someone personally?
Yes. Many times.

SEVEN WHEN’S:

1. When was your last shower?
Yesterday afternoon.

2. When did you last see your mom?
In June. Sniffle.

3. When was your last time you saw your dad?
Same time.

4. When did you last dress up?
Not in a while. SAD.

5. When was the last time you cried?
This past week.

6. When did you last go to the movies and with who?
Two Fridays ago with Josh and Myles, to see Fireproof.

7. When did you last listen to music?
This morning. Michelle was teaching me and Josh some hip-hop moves... I now know how to "float."

SIX WHERE’S:

1. Where does your best friend(s) live?
Asheville and Orlando and VIRGINIA!!!

2. Where did you last go?
To look for a bike to buy Michelle for her birthday. Mission unsuccessful.

3. Where did you last hang out?
Here at the Geiger's.

4. Where do you go to school?
Done! UCF alum.

5. Where is your favorite place to be?
Where God's puts me. Otherwise, on vacation.

6. Where did you sleep last night?
In the Geiger's guest bedroom.

FIVE DO'S/DOES:

1. Do you like someone right now?
Yes.

2. Do they like you too?
Yes.

3. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Sometimes. Mainly I wish I were more like someone else.

4. Do you know the muffin man?
Who lives on Drury Lane?

5. Does the future scare you?
Sometimes, because I'm not sure that I'm up to what's to come, but mostly I'm excited.

**FOUR WHY’S:

1. Why are you best friends with your best friends?
I just love them.

2. Why did you start your blog?
Because my best friend was doing it.

3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
My mom decided to name me Megan because she once babysat a girl named Megan and really liked the name. My middle name is Elizabeth after the Bible character because for some reason my mom thought she would never have children.

4. Why are you doing this survey?
Because it's something fun to post today.

**THREE IF’S:

1. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
Teleportation.

2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
Yes.

3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing what would it be?
This sounds cheesy, but it really would be a Bible.

**TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
No.

2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Heck yes! I've always wanted to anyways.

**ONE WISH:

1. What would it be?
If I tell you it wouldn't come true, now would it?

Okay, technically it's Saturday already

But whatever. The fact that I'm blogging at 3:00 a.m. stands for something.

I was tagged in a really fun meme, but at this point I am barely keeping my eyes open.

Highlights of today:

.playing with the Adobe programs.
.eating pepperoni pizza from Little Caesar's for lunch.
.finishing The Heavenly Man and starting on a novel.
.more beautiful autumn foliage.
.surprising my sister-in-love Michelle by showing up in Myrtle Beach this evening to celebrate her birthday weekend.
.rain.
.thinking about what is to come.

That's all. 'Till tomorrow (later today).

Ciao, bella.

Crapola

It's late on Thursday night and I almost forgot to blog today. In fact, I got all snuggled up in my cozy twin-sized bed and nestled my head down into my feather pillows, and then I remembered that I didn't post anything today. This is how devoted I am to you: I worked up the motivation to get out of my warm, soft bed and went into the den to retrieved my laptop. And now I'm making my brain work to type this for you.

That, my friends, is about all you're going to get for now though. Megan's brain is slim pickins when I've already initiated shut down mode for the evening. See? I just spent a good thirty seconds trying to think of something to type, and I came up with nada.

Bright idea: it's the ninth day of October so I'll list nine things I'm thankful for today:

1. Mary and Bryan and their generosity and kindness and friendship. (They are the couple that let me move in with them and their girls when God decided to rearrange my life two months ago.)

2. Asheville in autumn and trees that turn bright red-orange and gorgeous gold this time of year. In ten days I think it will be absolutely breathtaking. I'll try to get some good pictures for you.

3. Pizza. Definitely pizza.

4. Family dinners with the Worthys. It's so much fun to crowd four adults and four girls around the table at 5:15 everyday and watch the fun begin.

5. Grammy's cooking and especially her homemade biscuits with butter and honey... mmmm...! She's going to teach me how to make those before Josh and I get married.

6. The Toyota Tercel that gets us around town everyday.

7. Music and singing and worshipping God with friends.

8. Good reads. I'm currently reading The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun, a Chinese pastor who faced incredible persecution in his country but who lives out the Word through blood, sweat, and tears. This is a fabulous book that I would recommend to all Christ-followers and it is convicting me and inspiring me and setting me straight all at the same time. Five books checked out at the library yesterday were two novels (A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers-- if you have not read this, GET IT NOW-- and Roanoke by Angela Elwell Hunt), a biography on Mother Teresa, Animal Vegetable Miracle (one family's tale of eating only locally grown foods for an entire year) and Eat, Pray, Love (because Kak bought me a copy and halfway though I think I accidentally left it at the gym in Orlando and I really want to finish it). I'll give you my reviews of each book as I finish. I can already tell you that A Voice in the Wind is my all-time favorite novel and everyone I have recommended it to, no matter how varying their literary tastes, has loved this book and it's sequel, An Echo in the Darkness.

9. My warm, soft, cozy, snuggly bed that I will now give my full attention.

'Night, ladies and gents.

Changes of mind

Tonight I had planned on going over to a friend's house for girls' night... complete with dessert and America's Next Top Model. Somewhere in the day, I realized how sapped I was for alone time and changed my mind.

So here I sit, window cracked so that I can hear the rain falling outside, updating my blog. Dessertless. Still going to watch America's Next Top Model, though. Then part two of Biggest Loser ('twas split into two episodes because of last night's presidential debate). It feels nice. Joshua and I went to the library earlier today and I picked up five good reads. I'm feeling happy within myself right now... relaxed... and I just heaved a big sigh of contentment to be sitting here by myself. Time to recharge the Megan battery.

Okay, I just had to move upstairs because someone set the DVR to record The Muppets Wizard of Oz downstairs and I haven't figured out how to switch the TV inputs yet. Such is life in a house with four little girls. I love it.

I'm gonna give ya'll #51-60 tonight on the spirit of getting back into blogging. But let me give you some updates from things I listed in my first 50:

1. I no longer have a 30 minute commute to work, but rather a 20 pace walk from my bedroom to the office. Still enjoying the spectacular Asheville views, though.

3. I stopped watching ER after season six. Most of my favorite characters had left the show and I thought the plot was getting a little too off the mark for my tastes. Now I'm back on DQ and now that I've got real TV at my disposal, I'm a total nut for Biggest Loser. It is the last season of ER, though, and they are bringing back some old cast members, so I'm tempted to tune in. Plus John Stamos is on the show now??? So it might just be worth it to see how Uncle Jesse does without all that cheese in the script.

7. I now eat chicken, beef, and pork. In fact, I had BBQ for lunch.

17. Currently more ready to get married than ever.

32. I no longer work in academia, but I have retained my love for learning. Hence the pile of books on my nightstand.

37. I still haven't cut my hair and I think it's the longest it has ever been since I was five.

100 things continued:

51. I love event food. Popcorn and a soda at the movies, chicken strips and french fries at sporting events (don't do hotdogs, sorry fellow Americans)... if it has food that goes with it, I want some.

52. I am totally tempted to become a complete hippie (no car, TV, computer, cell phone; organic and locally grown food; sustainable living; etc.) but down deep I fear that I don't have what it takes.

53. I play the piano and have secret ambitions to make one of those naturescapes albums that has nature sounds in the background while I play my soothing melodies. I could totally do it.

54. I would love to honeymoon in Tahiti, Canada, or Colorado.

55. I want to have an insane amount of kids. Like not using birth control amounts of kids.

56. I truly desire communal living with the people I love. I haven't quite been able to put words on this concept yet, but I know it's in my heart.

57. I have never been able to make a successful batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies.

58. I can count on one hand how many movies that have made me cry in my lifetime. Music makes me cry MUCH more often.

59. In the words of Trainer Bob, I like relentless.

60. I can't stand political commercials. Thank God for the mute button.

Badabing, badaboom.

Wow-- I just got an email from World Vision that contained this statistic: Right now, one child dies from hunger every seven seconds.

Unacceptable.

Back into the habit

I have decided that I have neglected the blogosphere for far too long. Hence I set forth the resolution that I will blog daily-- yes, daily, ladies and gentlemen-- until December 31, 2008. Then it will be time for a new year's resolution, and who knows! Maybe you'll get me for an entire year next time.

Tonight I chose not to watch the presidential debate. (I did watch Biggest Loser. Love that show.) However, here is my hurrah for patriotism:

Really, I do care-- but then again, really, I don't. I think that the responsibilities of citizenship are extremely important, especially since we still live in a democracy. However, I also think that this place is not my home. And I fully expect all earthly circumstances to grow progressively worse until I die or Jesus returns. End of story. This doesn't inspire apathy, though. Instead, I'm on fire for the advancement of the Kingdom; for justice and peace; and for spreading hope, faith, and most of all love. I care deeply about issues like human trafficking and the sex industry, genocide, hunger and famine, clean water, and education.

When I consider the looming financial crisis of our nation, and the presidential race, it is easy to become overwhelmed or anxious. But then I remember that this place is not my home... that the end will come... and that it won't matter if I have money in the bank or if a Republican or Democrat is in the White House. What will matter is the state of our hearts, the nature of our beings, and the spiritual reality that we find all too easy to ignore because it doesn't seem real right now.

Chew on that.

October 1

It's October.
Autumn has arrived in Asheville.
There's more to say, but that will have to do for now.
I'm content.